Trigger Warning: Revenge Porn

My name is Blaire Cocotis, and I want to thank you for showing interest in my blog/page. Every reader counts, and I appreciate it greatly:) Like I’ve said in other areas of this website, I will sometimes talk about heavy topics, and my first blog will fall under that realm. I want to advise a trigger warning to anyone who struggles with topics regarding sexual exploitation, “revenge porn,” and slut shaming, and I completely understand if you no longer wish to read. I hope you can join me on another post soon🥰 If you want to continue reading, here is one of my more serious stories:

I’m just going to jump right into it. During the winter of my first year at UC Davis, I was texted multiple naked images of myself with my face showing. I was 17 in the photos. To this day, I do not know who it was, but they were threatening to release them online if I did not send more. I knew I had not sent the pictures that were initially sent to me to anyone, but I kept them in my “My Eyes Only” feature on Snapchat. The photos obtained were personal images kept just for me as workout progression pictures. After I left wilderness therapy, I gained a considerable amount of weight. I was proud that my consistent exercise was paying off and wanted to document it.

As soon as I received the text messages, I immediately went to my mom and then the police and was advised to block the number, as it was traced back to a burner phone. I got hacked, which was awful, but we hoped the hacker was bluffing. Fast forward to the beginning of my sophomore year at Davis. I had just joined my sorority and had a positive outlook on college after taking some time off to get mental help. I was preparing for the start of the new year. I then received an Instagram message. A lovely girl who had a similar experience informed me that my full name and phone number were released online, along with my underage photos. The photos were the same ones the hacker had sent me. Thankfully, I come from a family with the resources to hire companies to take down links on Google. However, that doesn’t erase the physical images from the websites and doesn’t stop new links from appearing. I got my first tattoo when I was 17, and it was showing in one of the photos; therefore, it’s easy for websites and the creeps on them to justify me being an adult.

Furthermore, because of my family, I was able to take some more time off school and get counseling directly from a therapist who works alongside the FBI concerning internet sex crimes. This was when I took the winter and spring quarters of my sophomore year off to go to Southern California and attend a mental health treatment center for over two months. I mean it when I said I did everything I could to resolve this situation. Unfortunately, those pictures of me will always be out there. However, instead of spending hours every day refreshing Google to look for new links to request to take down, I had to learn how to be okay with the situation and continue living life to the best of my ability. 

It has been almost two years since the nice girl informed me about my situation, and I couldn’t be happier to say I can be here writing this. All I can think about is how lucky I am to have been able to get past some of the dark emotions I felt stuck in for so long. Sometimes, I thought things didn’t matter, that I had no future, no matter my abilities, and there was no way I could get past this situation. This, therefore, led me to believe my professional life was over and the only way I could be successful was by continuing to objectify myself. That was when PlayBoy personally reached out to me, and I accepted. I knew people’s opinions of me would change as many assumed I was posting very explicit content. In contrast, in reality, there was never nudity, and I always stayed within my comfort level. In a sense, it helped me regain ownership of my own body, so looking back now, I can clearly see it was a trauma response, but I don’t regret my decision to do so.

By no means am I healed, as I still face battles daily regarding the things I have had to endure. Still, I can now use such instances as motivation towards whatever may lie ahead. For example, I will still get unsolicited explicit messages sent to my phone weekly. Another example was when I left my sorority, Tri Delta, for personal reasons, and 2 days after I received a disgusting, essay-long test message from one of my “sisters” trying to degrade me down to nothing regarding my body, looks and self-worth, but what she didn’t realize was that her opinion is the least of my concerns. It was strange of her to say such things as she was aware of the nonconsensual underage images of me online. Still, some people need to break others down to feel some sense of importance, which is okay. The mean girl is still in the sorority. Still, she’ll find out sooner or later where being such an unpleasant individual gets you in life.  People progress at different paces, and I have no choice but to look at my own life with the glass half-full perspective. There is no point in feeding into drama and the stigma surrounding me, as that does nothing but hinder my ability to reach my full potential. 

That being said, I view every day as a step of progress towards healing and reconnection with my bodily autonomy and emotional security, and I finally feel healed enough to share my story to reach out a helping hand to anyone of any gender who has gone through something similar. If you ever need someone to talk to about such matters, please refer to my “Contact Me” page. 

Thank you all for reading through this much, and I hope this story gives you more insight into my life and some of the daily struggles thousands of individuals face. I hope to continue further to speak up about the horrific reality of revenge porn and help affirm the many victims who stay quiet in fear of judgment. I see you, and I am here for you❤️